Dog Poems & Prose,
Humorous #7
A Translation of English Dogs to Southern
Dawgs
(English) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
(English) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg
(English) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"
(English) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern--TWO versions) Bad A## Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
(English) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg
(English) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad A## AND Mean As He## Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still
(English) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg
(English) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg
(English) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg
(English) Malinois
Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
(English) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
(English) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg
(English) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg
(English) Dachsund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg
(English) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg
(English) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The He## Kinda Dawg Is That?"
(English) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
(English) Any dog that raids the henhouse
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg
(English) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg
(English) Any dog that's died and been buried
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had
-- Author Unknown
My Dog's Commandments...
- Thou shalt not act half-starved whenever thou watches me eat.
- Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
- Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
- Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing.)
- Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
- Thy shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
- Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
- Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.
- Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litter box. (She likes her privacy)
- Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
- Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (Thou has been neutered.)
- Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
- Thou shalt not hide thy bones under my pillow.
- Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.
- Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 a.m.
- Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
-- Author Unknown
How do you know when you have too many dogs?
- When you have more grass in your driveway than in your backyard.
- When your neighbors find ANY dog running loose and automatically bring it to your house.
- When you want to watch TV and you have to sit on the floor because all of the furniture is "occupied".
- When it takes you longer to wash your dogs' dishes than your own.
- When you have to use a wash tub for a water dish.
- When you have to run an obstacle course to get to the phone.
- When you see one of your dogs doing something bad like chewing something up or leaving a "dog deposit" on the rug) and you have to run through the entire list of dogs' names in order to yell at the right one and by then it is too late.
- When the Hazmat team comes to your house on trash day to handle the "deposits" that you have placed in your trash can.
- When you have all of your dogs in the back seat of your car and it automatically changes lanes when they move to the other side of the car.
- When you NEVER go anywhere for a vacation because it costs more to kennel
your dogs than to go to Hawaii. - When you have an extension on your king-sized bed so you all fit.
- When Iams/Eukanuba/Nutro makes home deliveries.
- When you move your bedroom into the garage and put a king and queen-sized bed together so all of your dogs can sleep with you.
- When you can't remember all of your dogs' names and just call them Baby and Pup-Pup.
- When you take your dogs for a run in the park and people think it is a dog show (more like a 3-ring circus!)
- You know your veterinarian's phone number by heart and have your own file drawer.
- Your veterinarian drives a Porsche, you drive a used van and you paid for both!
-- Author Unknown
The Top 12 New Year's Resolutions Made By Pets
Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
Always scoot before licking.
Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
Jan. 1: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
Jan. 2-Dec. 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
I will NOT chase the darned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
-- Author Unknown
Important Dog Training Trick
A rolled-up newspaper can be an effective training tool when used properly. For instance, use the rolled up newspaper if your dog chews something or has a housebreaking accident. Take the rolled up newspaper and hit yourself over and over again on the head and repeat to yourself the phrase "I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG" ... " I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG"... If your dog laughs at you when you do this, praise him.
-- Author Unknown
A Christmas Carol for Your Dog
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow Dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know that it's
mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."
-- William B. Thacker, 1998, Columbus, OH
How to Wrap Presents with Dogs in the House
- Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
- Get tape back from puppy.
- Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
- Open box.
- Take puppy out of box.
- Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
- Take scissors away from puppy.
- Put present in box.
- Remove present from puppy's mouth.
- Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
- Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
- Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
- Take tape away from older dog.
- Unroll paper.
- Take puppy OFF box.
- Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as it "helps".
- Let puppy tear remaining paper.
- Take puppy off box.
- Wrap paper around box.
- Remove puppy from box and take wrapping paper from its mouth.
- Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
- Take scissors away from puppy.
- Take tape older dog is holding.
- Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog and sitting on them again.
- Fend off puppy trying to steal tape and tape another spot.
- Take bow from older dog.
- Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
- Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
- Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
- Remove puppy from present and hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
- Take now soggy bow from puppy and tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
- Take pen from older dog, address tag and affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
- Grab present before puppy opens it and put it away.
- Clean up mess puppy and older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
- Put away rest of wrapping supplies and tell dogs what good helpers they are.
-- Christi Green