Dog Poems & Prose,
Humerous #2
Top Ten Things That Depress Dogs
If you spent all those years chasing that little Chuck Wagon in vain, you wouldn't feel too good about yourself, either!
That tail. . . always breathing down your neck, taunting, "Catch me if you can! Catch me if you can!"
Those tough doggy decisions, like, "Lick myself or sniff the cat's butt?"
Can't spray your owner with a hose when he's humping somebody.
Getting blue tongue from drinking from a toilet that uses "2000 Flushes".
Whatever that slimy stuff is on top when you open a can of dog food.
The only available women out there are bitches.
Tough to have a meaningful existence these days when every mailman is heavily armed.
Only TV role model is that racist Chalupa-eating Chihuahua.
And The Top Thing That Depresses Dogs. . .
You sit up, you shake, you roll over, you fetch his slippers. . . and who does he let out of the house without a leash? The
darn cat!
-- Author Unknown
Dog Chain Letter
Dear Dog Owner:
Are you experiencing too many reserves and 2nd places to inferior animals in the dog show ring?
In the obedience ring, does your dog forget his own name?
Do you often start the barbeque before you go in for your sheep run?
Does your agility dog fall asleep in his 5 seconds on the table?
Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost money.
Simply send a copy to six other dog owners who are dissatisfied with the way their dogs are working and showing.
Also bundle up your dog and send him/her to the dog owner at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you.
In one week, you will receive 16,436 dogs, and at least one of them should be a keeper.
Have faith in this letter. Do not break the chain.
One owner broke the chain and got his own dog back.
-- Author Unknown
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
-- Author Unknown
You know you're a dog person when...
* You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.
* You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
* You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.
* Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")
* 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs,
etc.)
* You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.
* No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.
* You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)
* You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
* Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.
* The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
* You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.
* All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the Laundromat or dry cleaners.
* The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"
* Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).
* Your jewelry box contains no jewels - just those fasteners from vari-kennels.
* Every time you read the name, Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed.
* You ask your vet if you can ride in her sports car sometime.
* Your house isn't carpeted - the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough.
* Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"
* Your hungry hubby once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.
* Your mother-in-law keeps asking when you are going to have children.
* You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on your dog to give a quick run through your own hair.
* At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before putting it on the table.
* You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed magazine. You know you will find them there.
* You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.
* You have dog toy/treats in your briefcase.
* You have several albums filled with the 8 by 10 pictures of your dogs, but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to send to grandma.
* You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase, you make the
dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog into the shiny, new vehicle to make sure it works!
* You can't get the groceries in the car because its: a) already full of dog food or b) you have that big old crate in there.
* You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.
* You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the front so you have room for crates.
* The passenger seat is full of dog stuff.
* You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store, but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.
* You have six squeaky hedgehogs...but only one with a squeaky that works.
* Your mother knows the implication of a "major breaking".
* You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for a movie treat.
* You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are stuck to it.
* When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it.
* People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes. They realize it is a hopeless case.
* Friends no longer ask, "how was your weekend"; they ask "how did the dogs do?"
* All babies and youngsters are "people puppies".
-- Author Unknown